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Home  Byu Jokes |
Tuesday, 02 December 2008 |
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Byu Jokes
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"Eclipse" is a fancy French word for "byu coed hang gliding."
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Bronco dies and goes to Heaven... er, a.. the celestial kingdom |
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Bronco Mendenhall, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around when they came to a modest little house with a faded Cougars flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity," said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here."
The coach felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion that had a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous UTES flag, and in every window was the UTE logo.
The coach looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach. I went to bowl games, sent a bunch of my players on to the pros, and I turned around the entire BYU football program."
God said, "So, what's your question?"
"Well," said the coach, "Why does Kyle Whittingham get a better house than me?"
God responded, "Oh that's not Whittingham's house, that's mine".
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GROUNDHOG DAY
Q: What do you get when you crossbreed byu football and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football!
UTAH BY 5 . . . TIMES - A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good BYU joke. "Listen, buddy," the waiter growled. "See those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the BYU football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at the Y. That guy in the corner was the Y.'s all-time champion weightlifter. And I lettered in three sports at the Y. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"
"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times.'
DON'T FORGET THE TIP - Q: How do you get a byu grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
HALF-WIT - Q: What do you call a Cougar with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
THAT SMARTS - Q: What do you call an intelligent person in Cougar Stadium?
A: A visitor.
TEST CASE - Q: What does the byu student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
OH-OH ORSON - It's a good thing that Orson Pratt was not made president of the LDS Church. Otherwise BYU would have been named OPU.
LIGHT U. UP - Q. How many byu graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Answer unknown. Still searching for a byu graduate with the qualifications to do such a task.
LEARNING CURVE - Q: How many BYU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
SWIMMING WITH COEDS - Q: How did the first BYU coed get to America from Europe?
A: She swam.
Q: How did the second BYU coed get to America?
A: She walked across on all the dead fish.
TUSK, TUSK, TUSK - Q: What's the difference between a BYU coed and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q2: How do you make it even?
A2: Force-feed the elephant.
ON THE LOOKOUT - Q. How do you tell the difference between a BYU coed and a U. of U. coed?
A. The BYU coed is looking for a husband. The U. coed is looking for the father.
NO ONE IN HIS RIGHT MIND - Q: How do Cougar brain cells die?
A: Alone.
RINKY-DINK AFFAIR - Two BYU students decide they want to try ice fishing.
They go and buy all the necessary equipment and load up their pickup.
In the process, the students realize they don't know where to go to try out this new sport.
Finally, after about three hours of intense brainstorming, one student thinks of the perfect spot.
They drive to the spot, unload their equipment and make their way onto the ice in search for the perfect location. They cut a hole in the ice and begin to fish.
About three minutes pass when out of nowhere a booming voice is heard: ``THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!''
Completely confused and scared, the two students stop and look around but see no one.
"Did you hear that?'' ask one student. "Yea. Who was it?'' responded the second student.
Confused but determined, both students continue to fish.
A minute passes, and they hear again: ``THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!''
Dazed and frightened, one BYU student stands up, looks to the heavens and asks ``Is that you, God? Are you trying to help us?''
The voice responds ``No, you idiot, it's the ice rink manager. Now get off our ice!''
CURSES! SOILED AGAIN - Q: Why did the BYU grad only change her baby's diaper once a week?
A: The box said 9 to 11 lbs.
FORE U. - Q: What do you call someone from BYU golfing with an IQ of 120?
A: A foursome!
DOUBLE-WIDE LOSS - Q: Why are a tornado and a byu divorce similar?
A: You know someone is going to lose a house trailer!
BOOK 'EM - A fire gutted the byu library the other day causing $6.95 worth of damage . . . It could have been worse but someone had the coloring book checked out.
GOING DOWN WITH THE PICKUP - Three BYU graduates were riding in the cab of a pickup across a bridge. Three U. grads were riding in the back of the pickup. The pickup went off the road into the water and sank. The BYU grads rolled down the windows, got out, and were able to swim safely to shore. The U. grads drowned because they could not get the tailgate down.
ON TRACK - As two BYU grads walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. The first asked, ``Deer tracks?'' The second replied, ``No, bear tracks.'' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
SECOND-GUESSING - LaHurl had been attending BYU for 6 years without going on a mission and still did not have enough credits to graduate.
At the commencement ceremony with almost the entire student body assembled a chant broke out: ``Let LaHurl graduate, Let LaHurl graduate!''
The university president, realizing he had a potential riot on his hands and being depressed at the thought of having LaHurl return for another year, calmed the crowd by announcing that if LaHurl would come up and answer a one-question exam, he would give LaHurl a diploma.
LaHurl jumped up on the stage and the president said, ``You have one chance, LaHurl, What is 9 times 9''? LaHurl beamed and blurted out 81.
A stunned silence followed. Then a murmur. Then one cry, then another, soon the whole throng was chanting, ``Give him another chance! Give him another chance!''
PUPPY LOVE - Q: What's the difference between BYU fans and a litter of puppies?
A: Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining.
DEM BONES - Q: Did you hear about the skeleton they found in a closet in one of the dorms at BYU?
A: It was the 1963 hide-and-go-seek champion!
ON MY HONOR - Q: Did you hear about the BYU Honor System?
A: Yes, Your Honor; No, Your Honor.
NO WHINE BEFORE IT'S TIME - Q: What is a BYU coed's favorite after-game wine?
A: ``When we gonna get married?''
BIG G, LITTLE O - Q: What is the difference between the byu football team and a bowl of Cheerios?
A: The Cheerios belong in a bowl!
9-1-1 OF A KIND - A Cougar football player smelled smoke in the gym and rushed to the phone to report a fire. "How do we get there?'' the dispatcher asked. The Cougar hesitated a moment. ``Don't you have red fire trucks anymore?''
LOOSE CHANGE - Q: What's the difference between the cougars and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
GROUNDHOG DAY - Q: What do you get when you cross-breed byu football and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football!
U. OF MOO - Q: Why did the byu decide to put artificial turf in the stadium?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing
AN UPRIGHT NEIGHBORHOOD - Q: How do you keep a zoobie out of your front yard?
A: Put up some goalposts.
I'LL TRANSFER U. - Q; Did you hear about the football player who transferred from the U. to BYU?
A: It greatly raised the academic standing of both institutions.
TRUE-BLUE COLORS - Entering a store, a man said, ``I would like a white hat, blue pants, a white shirt and blue shoes.''
The clerk asked ``Are you a BYU fan?''
``I sure am,'' the man said, sticking his chest out. ``How did you know? The color combination?''
"No,'' replied the employee. ``This is a hardware store.''
NOSE JOB - Q: What do you have to do to break a BYU football player's nose during the BYU-U. of U. game?
A: Simple, just hit his elbow.
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How do you get a BYU coed into your car?
Show her a diamond ring.
How do you get her out again?
Tell her that you're a non-member.
What do you call an intelligent coed in Cougar Stadium?
A visitor.
What's the difference between a BYU coed and a rooster?
Roosters say "cock-a-doodle-doo" but BYU coeds say, "any dude'll do."
Why didn't the BYU coed use her water skis?
She couldn't find a lake on a hill.
Why do BYU coeds wear stripes?
So you can tell if they're standing up or lying down.
Why do BYU coeds have such a terrible time in the morning?
They're so fat they rock themselves to sleep trying to get up.
What is the difference between a BYU coed and a toilet?
The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
What do a BYU co-ed and a quarter in the toilet have in common?
Everyone Sees them, but no one wants to take them out.
What do you call a BYU Coed Hand gliding?
Solar eclipse.
What do you call a 300-pound BYU coed?
Anorexic.
How do you get a BYU coed into an VW Bug?
Grease her thighs and put a Twinkie on the dashboard.
What's the difference between a police car and a BYU coed?
It takes two police cars to block the road.
What do a moped and a BYU coed have in common?
They're both okay while the ride lasts, but you don't want anyone to see you on them.
Did you hear about the driver who had to swerve to miss the BYU coed walking in the road?
He ran out of gas.
Did you hear about the new BYU Coed Doll?
You put a ring on her finger and she inflates.
What is the difference between a BYU Coed and Sasquatch?
One of them weights 300 lbs has matted hair and stinks and the other has big feet.
What is the difference between a BYU Coed and garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
What's the difference between a BYU Coed and an elephant?
About 10 pounds.
What's the difference between a BYU Coed and a whale?
Whales can swim.
Why is BYU considering fitting Cougar stadium with artificial turf instead of grass?
So the cheerleaders will stop grazing...
How does a BYU Coed take a bath?
Fills the tub, then puts in some water.
How do you get a BYU Coed into a phone booth?
Grease her hips and throw in a wedding ring.
Did you hear about the truckload of pigs that got loose on the BYU campus?
They had to check I.D.s to reload the truck.
What is the thinnest part of a BYU coed?
The hair on her palms.
What's 36-24-32?
A BYU coed's leg.
How many BYU coeds does it take to play hide-n-seek?
It takes at least three BYU coeds to play hid-n-seek. One goes to hide and the other two try to figure out who left.
How do you tell a if a BYU Coed is smart?
Her lips don't move when she reads to herself.
Did you hear about the lucky BYU Coed who had a date every Friday night last semester?
She kept them in her refrigerator so they'd stay fresh all semester long.
Why did BYU Police raid a candle passing in the girl's dorm?
They thought they were breaking up a dope ring.
A BYU Coed asked a store clerk, "Can I put this wallpaper on myself?"
"Yes, but it will look better on the wall," he said.
What has an I.Q. of 144?
Twelve BYU Coeds.
What's the difference between a BYU coed and a palm tree?
A palm tree has dates.
What's worse than being a BYU coed?
Being behind one in a cafeteria line.
What is the difference between a BYU Coed heading to the cafeteria and a speeding bullet?
Superman can stop a speeding bullet.
A BYU coed and a U of U coed are on top of the Marriot Center. Which one comes down first?
The Marriot Center
What do you get when you crossbreed BYU football and a groundhog?
Six more weeks of bad football!
How do you tell the difference between a BYU coed and a U. of U. coed?
The BYU coed is looking for a husband. The U. coed is looking for the father.
What is a BYU coed's favorite after-game wine?
When are we going to get married?
What is the difference between the BYU football team and a bowl of Cheerios?
The Cheerios belong in a bowl!
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