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Thursday, 29 July 2010 |
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A blog of all section with no images
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Thursday, 13 December 2007 |
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What do BYU and Utah Players both have in common? They both tried out for Utah!
GROUNDHOG DAY
Q: What do you get when you crossbreed byu football and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football!
UTAH BY 5 . . . TIMES - A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good BYU joke. "Listen, buddy," the waiter growled. "See those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the BYU football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at the Y. That guy in the corner was the Y.'s all-time champion weightlifter. And I lettered in three sports at the Y. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"
"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times.'
DON'T FORGET THE TIP - Q: How do you get a byu grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
HALF-WIT - Q: What do you call a Cougar with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
THAT SMARTS - Q: What do you call an intelligent person in Cougar Stadium?
A: A visitor.
TEST CASE - Q: What does the byu student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
OH-OH ORSON - It's a good thing that Orson Pratt was not made president of the LDS Church. Otherwise BYU would have been named OPU.
LIGHT U. UP - Q. How many byu graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Answer unknown. Still searching for a byu graduate with the qualifications to do such a task.
LEARNING CURVE - Q: How many BYU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
SWIMMING WITH COEDS - Q: How did the first BYU coed get to America from Europe?
A: She swam.
Q: How did the second BYU coed get to America?
A: She walked across on all the dead fish.
TUSK, TUSK, TUSK - Q: What's the difference between a BYU coed and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q2: How do you make it even?
A2: Force-feed the elephant.
ON THE LOOKOUT - Q. How do you tell the difference between a BYU coed and a U. of U. coed?
A. The BYU coed is looking for a husband. The U. coed is looking for the father.
NO ONE IN HIS RIGHT MIND - Q: How do Cougar brain cells die?
A: Alone.
RINKY-DINK AFFAIR - Two BYU students decide they want to try ice fishing.
They go and buy all the necessary equipment and load up their pickup.
In the process, the students realize they don't know where to go to try out this new sport.
Finally, after about three hours of intense brainstorming, one student thinks of the perfect spot.
They drive to the spot, unload their equipment and make their way onto the ice in search for the perfect location. They cut a hole in the ice and begin to fish.
About three minutes pass when out of nowhere a booming voice is heard: ``THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!''
Completely confused and scared, the two students stop and look around but see no one.
"Did you hear that?'' ask one student. "Yea. Who was it?'' responded the second student.
Confused but determined, both students continue to fish.
A minute passes, and they hear again: ``THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!''
Dazed and frightened, one BYU student stands up, looks to the heavens and asks ``Is that you, God? Are you trying to help us?''
The voice responds ``No, you idiot, it's the ice rink manager. Now get off our ice!''
CURSES! SOILED AGAIN - Q: Why did the BYU grad only change her baby's diaper once a week?
A: The box said 9 to 11 lbs.
FORE U. - Q: What do you call someone from BYU golfing with an IQ of 120?
A: A foursome!
DOUBLE-WIDE LOSS - Q: Why are a tornado and a byu divorce similar?
A: You know someone is going to lose a house trailer!
BOOK 'EM - A fire gutted the byu library the other day causing $6.95 worth of damage . . . It could have been worse but someone had the coloring book checked out.
GOING DOWN WITH THE PICKUP - Three BYU graduates were riding in the cab of a pickup across a bridge. Three U. grads were riding in the back of the pickup. The pickup went off the road into the water and sank. The BYU grads rolled down the windows, got out, and were able to swim safely to shore. The U. grads drowned because they could not get the tailgate down.
ON TRACK - As two BYU grads walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. The first asked, ``Deer tracks?'' The second replied, ``No, bear tracks.'' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
SECOND-GUESSING - LaHurl had been attending BYU for 6 years without going on a mission and still did not have enough credits to graduate.
At the commencement ceremony with almost the entire student body assembled a chant broke out: ``Let LaHurl graduate, Let LaHurl graduate!''
The university president, realizing he had a potential riot on his hands and being depressed at the thought of having LaHurl return for another year, calmed the crowd by announcing that if LaHurl would come up and answer a one-question exam, he would give LaHurl a diploma.
LaHurl jumped up on the stage and the president said, ``You have one chance, LaHurl, What is 9 times 9''? LaHurl beamed and blurted out 81.
A stunned silence followed. Then a murmur. Then one cry, then another, soon the whole throng was chanting, ``Give him another chance! Give him another chance!''
PUPPY LOVE - Q: What's the difference between BYU fans and a litter of puppies?
A: Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining.
DEM BONES - Q: Did you hear about the skeleton they found in a closet in one of the dorms at BYU?
A: It was the 1963 hide-and-go-seek champion!
ON MY HONOR - Q: Did you hear about the BYU Honor System?
A: Yes, Your Honor; No, Your Honor.
NO WHINE BEFORE IT'S TIME - Q: What is a BYU coed's favorite after-game wine?
A: ``When we gonna get married?''
BIG G, LITTLE O - Q: What is the difference between the byu football team and a bowl of Cheerios?
A: The Cheerios belong in a bowl!
9-1-1 OF A KIND - A Cougar football player smelled smoke in the gym and rushed to the phone to report a fire. "How do we get there?'' the dispatcher asked. The Cougar hesitated a moment. ``Don't you have red fire trucks anymore?''
LOOSE CHANGE - Q: What's the difference between the cougars and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
GROUNDHOG DAY - Q: What do you get when you cross-breed byu football and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football!
U. OF MOO - Q: Why did the byu decide to put artificial turf in the stadium?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing
AN UPRIGHT NEIGHBORHOOD - Q: How do you keep a zoobie out of your front yard?
A: Put up some goalposts.
I'LL TRANSFER U. - Q; Did you hear about the football player who transferred from the U. to BYU?
A: It greatly raised the academic standing of both institutions.
TRUE-BLUE COLORS - Entering a store, a man said, ``I would like a white hat, blue pants, a white shirt and blue shoes.''
The clerk asked ``Are you a BYU fan?''
``I sure am,'' the man said, sticking his chest out. ``How did you know? The color combination?''
"No,'' replied the employee. ``This is a hardware store.''
NOSE JOB - Q: What do you have to do to break a BYU football player's nose during the BYU-U. of U. game?
A: Simple, just hit his elbow.
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Thursday, 13 December 2007 |
How do you get a BYU coed into your car?
Show her a diamond ring.
How do you get her out again?
Tell her that you're a non-member.
What do you call an intelligent coed in Cougar Stadium?
A visitor.
What's the difference between a BYU coed and a rooster?
Roosters say "cock-a-doodle-doo" but BYU coeds say, "any dude'll do."
Why didn't the BYU coed use her water skis?
She couldn't find a lake on a hill.
Why do BYU coeds wear stripes?
So you can tell if they're standing up or lying down.
Why do BYU coeds have such a terrible time in the morning?
They're so fat they rock themselves to sleep trying to get up.
What is the difference between a BYU coed and a toilet?
The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
What do a BYU co-ed and a quarter in the toilet have in common?
Everyone Sees them, but no one wants to take them out.
What do you call a BYU Coed Hand gliding?
Solar eclipse.
What do you call a 300-pound BYU coed?
Anorexic.
How do you get a BYU coed into an VW Bug?
Grease her thighs and put a Twinkie on the dashboard.
What's the difference between a police car and a BYU coed?
It takes two police cars to block the road.
What do a moped and a BYU coed have in common?
They're both okay while the ride lasts, but you don't want anyone to see you on them.
Did you hear about the driver who had to swerve to miss the BYU coed walking in the road?
He ran out of gas.
Did you hear about the new BYU Coed Doll?
You put a ring on her finger and she inflates.
What is the difference between a BYU Coed and Sasquatch?
One of them weights 300 lbs has matted hair and stinks and the other has big feet.
What is the difference between a BYU Coed and garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
What's the difference between a BYU Coed and an elephant?
About 10 pounds.
What's the difference between a BYU Coed and a whale?
Whales can swim.
Why is BYU considering fitting Cougar stadium with artificial turf instead of grass?
So the cheerleaders will stop grazing...
How does a BYU Coed take a bath?
Fills the tub, then puts in some water.
How do you get a BYU Coed into a phone booth?
Grease her hips and throw in a wedding ring.
Did you hear about the truckload of pigs that got loose on the BYU campus?
They had to check I.D.s to reload the truck.
What is the thinnest part of a BYU coed?
The hair on her palms.
What's 36-24-32?
A BYU coed's leg.
How many BYU coeds does it take to play hide-n-seek?
It takes at least three BYU coeds to play hid-n-seek. One goes to hide and the other two try to figure out who left.
How do you tell a if a BYU Coed is smart?
Her lips don't move when she reads to herself.
Did you hear about the lucky BYU Coed who had a date every Friday night last semester?
She kept them in her refrigerator so they'd stay fresh all semester long.
Why did BYU Police raid a candle passing in the girl's dorm?
They thought they were breaking up a dope ring.
A BYU Coed asked a store clerk, "Can I put this wallpaper on myself?"
"Yes, but it will look better on the wall," he said.
What has an I.Q. of 144?
Twelve BYU Coeds.
What's the difference between a BYU coed and a palm tree?
A palm tree has dates.
What's worse than being a BYU coed?
Being behind one in a cafeteria line.
What is the difference between a BYU Coed heading to the cafeteria and a speeding bullet?
Superman can stop a speeding bullet.
A BYU coed and a U of U coed are on top of the Marriot Center. Which one comes down first?
The Marriot Center
What do you get when you crossbreed BYU football and a groundhog?
Six more weeks of bad football!
How do you tell the difference between a BYU coed and a U. of U. coed?
The BYU coed is looking for a husband. The U. coed is looking for the father.
What is a BYU coed's favorite after-game wine?
When are we going to get married?
What is the difference between the BYU football team and a bowl of Cheerios?
The Cheerios belong in a bowl!
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Thursday, 13 December 2007 |
What's a BYU coed's favorite exercise?
Jogging to the refrigerator.
What did the BYU coed say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill, honey.
Why did San Francisco get all the lesbians and Provo get all the BYU coeds?
San Francisco had first choice.
A BYU coed bragged, "I can marry anyone I please." "Why don't you, then," her friend asked. "I don't please anybody," she admitted.
What's the difference between a BYU coed and an elephant?
About five pounds.
How do you make up the difference?
Force feed the elephant.
How does a BYU coed spell FARM?
E-I-E-I-O.
A BYU coed was walking down University Avenue with a pig under her arm. She met a girlfriend who asked "Where did you get the pig?" And the pig answered, "I won her in a raffle."
Did you hear about the new BYU coed doll they're selling in the bookstore?
Put a ring on its finger and its hips expand.
What do you give a hungry BYU coed?
Anything she wants.
A BYU coed got embarrassed at a masquerade ball. At midnight, when the hostess asked all the guests to remove their masks, the coed cried, "I don't have one on!"
What's the most important thing in a BYU coed's makeup kit?
A paint roller.
How do you get a BYU coed into an elevator?
Grease her hips and throw a Twinkie in the elevator.
A BYU coed was watching a tennis match when a BYU guy walked by and asked, "Whose game?" "I am," she said.
Did you hear about the BYU coed who baked a sponge cake for her boyfriend?
She used the wrong kind of sponges.
Two BYU coeds were studying astronomy together. "What's a comet?" asked one. "I think it's a star with a tail," her friend answered. "Ho, I see, like Benji?"
Why did the BYU coed flunk her history test?
"They kept asking questions about things that happened years and years before I was born."
A BYU coed ordered 48 hamburgers at a drive-in restaurant. "Are they all for you?" asked the waitress. "No, two of my roommates are in the car with me."
What's prairie dog?
A BYU coed from Kansas.
BYU coeds are so modest they pull the curtains before changing their minds.
What is the best thing to come out of BYU?
1230 North.
What's the difference between a BYU coed and a freezer?
About five degrees.
Why is a freezer better?
You can defrost it.
Never criticize a BYU coed's figure. She might hold it against you.
Why did it take the BYU coed so long to cook the turkey?
The recipe said to cook it for 30 minutes per pound and she weighed 150.
Some girls are ugly, but BYU coeds are the exception. BYU coeds are exceptionally ugly.
How are BYU coeds like paint?
Get them all stirred up and you can't get them off your hands.
A BYU coed went to the health center. "I have a cold in my head," she told the nurse. "Well, that's better than nothing," the nurse replied.
What's the difference between a BYU coed and a refrigerator?
The coed can hold more food.
Why do BYU coeds like to be alone?
Because two's a crowd.
Did you hear about the carload of BYU coeds who froze to death at the drive-in movie?
They went to see the movie, "Closed for winter."
Why did they have to enlarge BYU's stadium?
So more coeds could sit in the stands.
Did you hear about the engaged BYU coed who stayed up all night studying for her blood test?
BYU coeds can be had for a song--
"The Wedding March."
There's one good thing about a BYU coed's body--it isn't as ugly as her face.
One BYU coed put on a clean pair of socks every day. By the end of the week she couldn't get her shoes on.
BYU coeds have that far-away look. The farther away they get, the better they look.
How did the BYU coed get rid of her freckles?
She washed her mirror.
How is a BYU coed like Ms. Pac-Man?
They both eat everything in sight.
What's a BYU coed's favorite dress shop?
Acme Tent & Awning.
Some BYU coeds would make great fullbacks. Expecially the ones with the license plates on their charm bracelets.
What do you call a swimming pool full of BYU coeds?
The Bay of Pigs.
There are two kinds of BYU coeds--good-looking ones and sweet spirits.
Did you hear about the BYU coeds who were stuck on the escalator at University Mall for two housr during a power outage?
A BYU coed missed this question on her religion test: "Where was Solomon's temple?" She answered, "On the side of his head."
Someone once asked a BYU coed, "Are all girls as stupid as you are?" She answered, "No. Look how many single girls there are at BYU."
A BYU guy approached a BYU coed with this old line, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" She replied, "Yes. I have been somewhere before."
How do you get a BYU coed to go off her diet?
Open a Twinkie within two miles of Provo.
If a BYU coed ever said what she thought she'd be speechless.
How do you get 100 BYU coeds into a Volkswagen?
Toss in a diamond ring.
How does a guy get them out again?
Tell the BYU coeds he's a non-member.
What happens when a BYU coed walks into a room?
The mice jump up on chairs.
What's the thinnest book in the BYU library?
"BYU's Beauty Queens."
What do you get when you cross a BYU coed with a pig?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
"Do you remember when you were born?" a friend asked a BYU coed.
"No, I was too young."
What's BYU's answer to self-control on a date?
Take the sack off her head.
A BYU co-ed and a Utah co-ed enter the ladies room at last years football game. They both enter their stall and do their business. Simultaneously, they flush and exit the stalls. The BYU co-ed heads for the sink while the Utah coed heads straight for the door. In disbelief the BYU co-ed shouts after her: "At BYU they teach us to wash our hands!", to which the Utah co-ed replies: "At the U they teach us not to pee on our hands."
A convict gets released from Jail at the point of the mountain and he is standing on the southbound side of I-15, trying to thumb a ride. A BYU co-ed is driving home to Provo and she sees the guy and thinks he's kind of cute and so she stops and offers him a ride. They go down to Provo and she asks him what he does. He says, "Well, I've been in prison for the past twenty years because I killed my wife and my children." The BYU co-ed gets excited and leans over excitedly and says, "Oh...so you're single?!??!"
In a room with four corners, there are four mammals. One corner has the Easter bunny, another has Santa Claus, one has a beautiful BYU coed, one has an ugly BYU coed. If a treasure was placed in the middle, which of the above would claim the prize?
The ugly BYU coed, because none of the others exist.
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Tuesday, 04 December 2007 |
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"Obviously, if you do what's right on and off the field, I think the Lord steps in and plays a part in it. Magic Happens." --Austin Collie A snapshot taken on the miraculous 4th down play seems to prove Collie correct: Gimme a friggin' break. Collie is a bonehead.
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